The waiting drove me mad...
You're finally here and I'm a mess.
I take your entrance back.
Can't let you roam inside my head.
I don't want to take what you can't give.
I would rather starve than eat your bread.
I would rather run but I can't walk.
Guess I'll lie alone just like before.
I'll take the varmint's path,
Oh and I must refuse your test.
A-push me and I will resist.
This behavior's not unique.
I don't want to hear from those who know.
They can buy, but can't put on my clothes.
I don't want to limp for them to walk.
Never would have known of me before.
I don't want to be held in your debt.
I'll pay it off in blood, let I be wed.
I'm already cut up and half dead.
I'll end up alone like I began.
Everything has chains, absolutely nothing's changed.
Take my hand, not my picture, spilled my tincture.
I don't want to take what you can't give.
I would rather starve than eat your bread.
All the things that others want for me,
Can't buy what I want because it's free.
Can't buy what I want because it's free.
Can't be what you want because I'm...
I ain't s'posed to be just fun.
Oh, to live and die, let it be done.
I figure I'll be damned - all alone like I began...
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Now playing: Pearl Jam - Corduroy
via FoxyTunes
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
...I share a bed with him.
I have nightmares.
Now, I should start by saying that I have (or better yet, remember) at least one dream every night. Dreams are a huge part of my life and will usually govern my mood for the following hours. Even more, nightmares have always been a staple in my nightlife. I remember a streak of nightmares I had when I was in elementary school. It was so emotionally taxing that my mom had to hire one of my older sister's friends to escort me wherever I went because I was so terrified of being abducted. The nightmares occurred daily for what seemed like forever. In a matter of weeks, I witnessed my sister being cannibalised by the bad guy in Ghost, was kidnapped, attacked by rabid animals, and chased by my personal favorite: Michael Myers.
Now, I should start by saying that I have (or better yet, remember) at least one dream every night. Dreams are a huge part of my life and will usually govern my mood for the following hours. Even more, nightmares have always been a staple in my nightlife. I remember a streak of nightmares I had when I was in elementary school. It was so emotionally taxing that my mom had to hire one of my older sister's friends to escort me wherever I went because I was so terrified of being abducted. The nightmares occurred daily for what seemed like forever. In a matter of weeks, I witnessed my sister being cannibalised by the bad guy in Ghost, was kidnapped, attacked by rabid animals, and chased by my personal favorite: Michael Myers.
Michael Myers makes an appearance about once a week, to this day. He's joined me in Great America, Home Depot, unidentified houses and empty parking lots. We've been intimate a few times. I've taken his mask off once. But he has yet to kill me. Aside from the fact that I'm a total horror movie junkie, I've accumulated a sort of affection for Michael Myers and the dreams have become more of a comfort than nightmarish. I look forward to my dates with him.
Which brings me to last night. I've slept next to my "person" four times in the last couple months. I've had nightmares every one of these nights. For someone who remembers the majority of her dreams, this is notable to me, as I don't remember many other nightmares that have occurred in the past few months besides those nights that he was laying next to me. This guy has played a role in each of these nightmares, usually being the main attraction in my mind but never in the action. In other words, I am always largely aware of his presence, even if I can't see him. What's odd, though, is that we have the ideal relationship in many ways. It's so relaxed, almost to the point that it's uneasy. It's so effortless in areas that I usually have to manipulate or tolerate. I feel untypically content with the label-less state of it all. But this morning, when I woke up from a hellish (and way interpretable) nightmare, I felt defeated.
I guess that's all I can say about it, considering the little I know about dreams and whether my subconscious is working with me or against me. I don't know how much credit I give dreams. But I've taken note of these. And just like last night's dream will leave its residue on your day, I feel like these nightmares might be having an effect on my handling of this "ideal relationship." Or at least bringing to light the dark underbelly of my emotions.
----------------
Now playing: The Silver Jews - I'm Gonna Love The Hell Out Of You
via FoxyTunes
Which brings me to last night. I've slept next to my "person" four times in the last couple months. I've had nightmares every one of these nights. For someone who remembers the majority of her dreams, this is notable to me, as I don't remember many other nightmares that have occurred in the past few months besides those nights that he was laying next to me. This guy has played a role in each of these nightmares, usually being the main attraction in my mind but never in the action. In other words, I am always largely aware of his presence, even if I can't see him. What's odd, though, is that we have the ideal relationship in many ways. It's so relaxed, almost to the point that it's uneasy. It's so effortless in areas that I usually have to manipulate or tolerate. I feel untypically content with the label-less state of it all. But this morning, when I woke up from a hellish (and way interpretable) nightmare, I felt defeated.
I guess that's all I can say about it, considering the little I know about dreams and whether my subconscious is working with me or against me. I don't know how much credit I give dreams. But I've taken note of these. And just like last night's dream will leave its residue on your day, I feel like these nightmares might be having an effect on my handling of this "ideal relationship." Or at least bringing to light the dark underbelly of my emotions.
----------------
Now playing: The Silver Jews - I'm Gonna Love The Hell Out Of You
via FoxyTunes
Thursday, February 12, 2009
...that day approaches.
I get all nostalgic.
For someone with a strangely non-existent memory, I somehow manage to drudge up all sorts of old wounds when I know Valentine's Day is coming. Which brings me to this:
We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real—but you create the context. And the context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.
- Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live
It's moments like these that I typically rely on one of two movies to get me through the night.
For someone with a strangely non-existent memory, I somehow manage to drudge up all sorts of old wounds when I know Valentine's Day is coming. Which brings me to this:
We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real—but you create the context. And the context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.
- Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live
It's moments like these that I typically rely on one of two movies to get me through the night.
Tonight, I won't do either one of them. Instead, I'm filling my brain with Wallace & Gromit and cuddling up to the most non-threatening member of the male species I know. Even amidst all of the reminiscing and (coincidental?) run-ins ... I feel strangely content. For the first time in my life, I'm truly comfortable where I'm at. I don't feel like I need those movies as "therapy" anymore. You know how certain songs, certain places are associated with certain people, certain moments? And how those associations can completely ruin an otherwise perfect thing? I don't think the time has ever been better to break some of those unfortunate connections. And I'm starting with those two movies.
So on that note...thanks, Bogey. It's been real.
----------------
Now playing: Air - Don't Be Light
via FoxyTunes
So on that note...thanks, Bogey. It's been real.
----------------
Now playing: Air - Don't Be Light
via FoxyTunes
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
...you blow into a juicebox.
I'm fiercely determined to keep a blog. The idea of a pretty bound book to call my "journal" sounds much more appealing, but I admit - I love the interweb and want to bleed it dry of all it has to offer. I have to say, though. I am super rusty with words. Unfortunately, since piling on numerous English Lit courses, I haven't had the time to write for pleasure. I lost myself in a sea of MLA citations. I felt stifled by the rigidity of my class assignments and was actually told by one professor - "Whatever you do, don't be creative." However, you can only repress those urges for so long. That, along with a string of other inspirations, led me to the Blogging Bandwagon.
Additionally, there is something to be said about the power of a backspace button. I found myself reading through my old journals recently and had to fight off the urge to rip out certain pages. Although I don't believe in censoring myself....I take comfort in the fact that when I write, I'm purging. Which is another reason for this blog, I guess. Writing to rid.
That being said, welcome to my Blog. I look forward to recording my mundane adventures and awkward confessions so that I may one day look back on this and click the "Delete" button.
----------------
Now playing: Galaxie 500 - Strange
via FoxyTunes
Additionally, there is something to be said about the power of a backspace button. I found myself reading through my old journals recently and had to fight off the urge to rip out certain pages. Although I don't believe in censoring myself....I take comfort in the fact that when I write, I'm purging. Which is another reason for this blog, I guess. Writing to rid.
That being said, welcome to my Blog. I look forward to recording my mundane adventures and awkward confessions so that I may one day look back on this and click the "Delete" button.
----------------
Now playing: Galaxie 500 - Strange
via FoxyTunes
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